The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Monday, November 21, 2016

british secret agent faces charges of harassment from femmes fatales

Major news networks are reporting multiple accusations tonight of sexual harassment against veteran British secret service agent James Bond.
A class action lawsuit for over a dozen women is being filed in a United States court by attorney Gloria Allred who is representing the score settling gold diggers and seeking to profit from their frivolous claims.
"These women are not score settling gold diggers and they are not making frivolous claims," Miss Allred told CNN, ABC, NBC, CBS and anyone else who would listen. "They are victims and they are entitled to a hearing. They are entitled to destroy any reputation in order to obtain cash and publicity. They are entitled to contrive untestable allegations based on tenuous acquaintanceships going back decades. If the Murdocks can do it to deceased broadcaster Jimmy Savile in order to distract attention from the Leveson Enquiry's existential threat to their phone tapping, police bribing activities at News Corp International, then the sky's the limit. This is the law and you'd better get used to it. Everybody else is doing it so why can't we. For years my clients have kept silent while James Bond swanned around the world with his inuendos and his libido. He got his and now we're going to get ours. It's payback time. James Bond is an affront to all women. Sexual harassment  is a crime even against characters in a Hollywood movie. The British secret service must make restitution to my imaginary clients."
Some of the allegations are believed to go back to the 1960's at least as far as the movie Goldfinger.
"It's remarkable how much money can be made from an opportunistic allegation of harassment retrospectively alleged for cash and or revenge," mused Miss Allred. "I'm starting with Pussy Galore in Goldfinger. James Bond deliberately interpreted her name in a sexual and smutty way putting my client under extreme pressure to perform sex acts with him by throwing her in the hay and sitting on her."
Miss Allred was flanked at the press conference by several of the litigants.
"James Bond looked at me with his eyes," wept Pussy Galore weepingly. "And the way he said Pussy. Pooo Seee. Poooo Seeeee. It was very suggestive as well as being incomprehensible. I felt so violated. If Gretchen Carlson can get twenty million from Fox News after being dropped by the channel, simply by saying Roger Ailes asked her out, that sounds good to me. I want my share. I want in on that hot twenty million dollars for bogus score settling claims action. Since I've never met Roger Ailes, I suppose it will have to be Roger Moore, Or whoever was playing Bond at the time. Connery was it? I forget. Gimme da money. Gimme da money."
Xenia Onatop from Goldeneye had a similar experience.
"James Bond seemed to think my name was some sort of invitation," she claimed. "His attitude was sexist in the extreme. His interpretation of my name as an invitation was solely because I am a woman. You don't see people treating Wolf Blitzer of CNN as though he was a wolf or a German military strategy. James Bond threatened me. He made me feel threatened. He threatened me by (Insert Imaginary Threat here). Well, it's as much a threat as Donald Trump supposedly telling Megyn Kelly of Fox News that if she wasn't careful he'd mention her on Twitter, and Megyn Kelly is dining out on that baloney. Threats are in the eye of the beholder as Megyn Kelly might put it. I want my moment in the sun. Checque please."
Chinese temptress Graba Maititz from the forthcoming Bond film The Spy Who Massaged My Thighs currently being scripted by James Healy, has thrown her mammaries into the ring with a law suit in advance of the film even being made.
"Oh boo hoo hoo," she informed reporters clyptically. "I want money. You know that yet another Fox News employee, Laurie Luhn is claiming to have been halassed by Lodger Ailes while they were having sex for twenty years. I mean she slept with him for twenty years and now wants revenge or a letirement nest egg, so she's coming out with these standard bogus claims from central casting. The point is these allegations are sure fire winners for vengeful spurned mistresses everywhere. I'm like Laulie Luhn. Look, I can cly for the clamera too. Well nearly. I can do a fake tearful voice like hers. There you go. I'm leally like her.  Just less subtle. And more fictional. I feel so vulnerable. Twenty million dollars will not ease the pain but it will buy me houses and cars. I'll allege anything. Oh boo hoo hoo. I feel so violated. Not to mention James Healy liting my R's as L's on his brog. The rittle bastald."
The Head of the British secret service has issued a carefully worded statement on the fictional femmes fatales' putative lawsuits through lawyers.
"These claims have no merit whatsover," M said. "So we intend to settle out of court to avoid negative publicity. Forty million dollars each should do it."

Sunday, November 20, 2016

special needs

Leading Aunt Teresa through the precincts of the Tearman Cafe.
"This place is run by the Camphill Community," I explain. "It's got a rather interesting way of doing things. Wait till you see. There's something really good here. They have a vision that people with handicaps or special needs work alongside supposedly able bodied or mentally whole people. And each learns from the other. And each learns about themselves from the other. And then suddenly we realise we all are handicapped. We all have a special need. And we all are able bodied. We all are mentally whole. And we all are vital to each other. And the universe is incomplete without any of us. And we are incomplete without each other. I'd be quite enthusiastic about this notion except for the lingering suggestion that the movement's founder Rudolf Steiner was involved in devil worship. And of course there's the thing that for the past thirty years at this cafe there's always at least one complete bitch among the supposedly able minded management team. Maybe that's part of the Camphill philosophy. You can't have sunshine without rain. But I think Rudolf Steiner is sticking it to me. Sticking it."
The aunt and myself sit down at a table.
A guy with a supposed special need called Ron approaches.
"That's Ron Baines," I warn the aunt. "He's a great man. A very funny guy. But be careful. He has a cutting wit. If he says anything, don't get offended. It's just his way."
Ron stands by our table.
"Ha, ha. James Healy," he roars loud enough to be heard in the next county. "There you are. With your books under your arm. Always with a book. Chasing after every girl in the town of Kilcullen. Always with a book under your arm. I don't suppose you've ever read any of them. Ha, ha."
I shoot a glance at my aunt.
She seems to be taking it rather well.
Not offended at all.
I for my part am wondering which of the devil worshipping bitches put him up to it.