The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Monday, December 10, 2012

the uncle james problem page

Dear Uncle James.
You occasionally refer to corrupt media moguls (or moghuls?) Tony O'Reilly and Rupert Murdock as possessing trophy wives. I detect a scathing note in your references which is not entirely appropriate given that the ladies in question are real class birds. But what about corrupt media baron Denis O'Brien who has so recently ousted Tony O'Reilly from control of Independent Newspapers? Has Denis O'Brien no trophy wife? How does he manage without one? I think we should be told.
Ron Baines.

Dear Ron.
He uses  Michael Lowry.
Uncle James

in the bleak midwinter

On the quays of Dublin she collapsed into my arms.
She was crying like a baby.
At the kerbside nearby our two cars sat with their hazard lights winking rakishly.
She'd rear ended me.
They always do.
Now she was sobbing in my arms.
"It's okay," I told her. "It's okay to cry. But you already know that I don't care about what's happened. A car is just a car. None of us are hurt. So really all of this is okay. There's nothing to worry about."
"Wah," she blubbed. "I h-h-have a-a-a b-b-boyfriend."

the twelve days of christmas

On the first day of Christmas,
Independent Newspapers sent to me
An article by John Cooney calling for a boycott of the sacraments.

On the second day of Christmas,
Independent Newspapers sent to me one Cooney article, and another by a malign distorted lying jeering paraphrasing drug using plagiaristic schizoid called Ian O'Doherty claiming the entire Catholic church is a paedophile ring.

On the third day of Christmas,
Independent Newspapers sent to me, one drivelling Cooney, two lying O'Dohertys, and an editorial calling for the resignation of five Catholic Bishops.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
Independent Newspapers sent to me, one Cooney drivelling, one O'Doherty a milking, five sneering editorials attempting to hound decent honorable courageous heroic Bishops from office,
And an article by Jason Byrne asserting that a priest who had just been hacked to death in Kenya hadn't died for the faith, but had been killed simply because his killers were poor, the cause of his death according to the great Jason Byrne, being poverty, and not his actual dismemberment, rum one that, and for which idiocy Jason Byrne claimed to be quoting an anonymous source at something called the Irish Missionary Union, not really Catholic is it Jason, but no worries, did you really have a source then, or were you just trying to diminish the man's heroism, killed by poverty indeed, Independent Newspapers, when it commits a real libel, likes to libel big, this time they're libelling the poor, trying to tell us poor people are naturally inclined to hack priests to death with axes, funny how few poor people actually do such things, is it just the teensiest bit possible that Jason Byrne is an anti Catholic Independent Newspapers clype with his head so far up his anus that the expression of a coherent measured opinion about the martyrdom of a Catholic priest is utterly beyond him, and a partridge in a pear tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
Independent Newspapers sent to me,
One twittish Cooney, a ham head doophus Doherty, five sneering editorials intended to precipitate Bishops resigning, four cretinous Jason Byrnes, and a hideously false assertion, even by the usual standards of Independent Newspapers, that the Catholic chuch covered up the murder of a ten year old girl in 1970. (The real murderer has since been caught and has no Catholic Church connection or affiliation.)

On the sixth day of Christmas,
Independent Newspapers sent to me,
The usual idiot Cooney, a vomitous Ian O'Doherty, five editorials to incite hatred against Bishops, four Jason Byrnes still a lying, another four false accusations that the Catholic Church was covering up murders, and an article in the Irish Times by former Independent Newspapers journalist Miriam Lord saying that religion is the last refuge of a scoundrel published just two days before Miriam Lord's mother Margaret received funeral rites at the Church of our Lady of Consolation followed by burial at Saint Fintan's cemetary, and I wonder was Miriam Lord referring to her own mother and her family when she said religion is the last refuge of a scoundrel.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
Independent Newspapers sent to me,
A quote from appeaserish Archbishop Diarmuid Martin admitting all sorts of wrong doing he never committed and is not in a position to admit  but doesn't mind admitting if it will save him a little face with his liberal friends as what he's doing is admitting guilt for old men he doesn't know or care about, and whose innocence is a matter of indifference to him, and by saying the church had been arrogant in the past he hopes to curry favour with the sort of Independent Newspapers scoundrels currently persecuting the church, ten idiot Cooneys, nine O'Dohertys a lying, seven Jason Byrnes a milking, five resigning Bishops,
Four attempts at incitement to hatred through false murder accusations, and a turtle dove,
Plus Miriam Lord inviting the wrath of God upon herself.

On the eighth day of Christmas,
Independent Newspapers sent to me,
Seven Cooneys cooing, six O'Dohertys a leaping, five Bishops resigning, four Jason Byrnes poohing,
Three false murder accusations, two Miriam Lords a mooing, one quote from the appeaserish Archbishop Diarmuid Martin,
And a partridge stuck up Tony O'Reilly's arse.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
Independent Newspapers sent to me,
Eight golden Cooneys,
Seven porcine Dohertys, six french hens, and a turtle dove,
Five attempted forced resignations for Bishops,
Four false murder accusations,
Along with fifty years of recycled sex abuse cases involving priests, and an absolute failure to make clear to the public that 99.99 percent of sex abuse cases arise in the family home and involve no priests or religious people at all, and that for every victim of a priest who generates money for lawyers and publicity for Independent Newspapers anti Catholic pogrom, another 999 victims are simply ignored because they ain't worth any money to Lawyer Liberal, and they ain't been abused by the right sort of abuser, and they ain't any use to Independent Newspapers as a Trojan Horse to destroy the Catholic church,
Four Miriam Lords, Three Jason Byrnes, Two Johnston Press parvenus,
And a partridge stuck up Tony O'Reilly's arse.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
Independent Newspapers sent to me,
Nine moronic Cooneys, eight dillwad Dohertys, seven Miriam Lords,
Six Jason Byrnes, five resigning Bishops, four false murder charges, three nerds a nerding, Four french hens and a turtle dove,
Five thousand recycled articles about the same sex abuse case with no attempt to inform the general public where the preoponderance of sex abuse cases occur, and absolutely no reportage of the fact that sex abuse levels are at record heights in our anti Christian society today, but never mind,
Six self worshipping Tony O'Reillys a leaping (because they've got partridges stuck up their arses), seven hypocrites hyping,
And a collection of journalists and editors that Pravda or the Volkischer Zeitung would have been ashamed of.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
Independent Newspapers sent to me,
Ten clown Cooneys, nine doltish Dohertys, eight Tony O'Reillys a leaping, seven Jason Byrnes,
Six Miriam Lords weeping, Five Bishops resigning,
One appeaser Archbishop,
Inordinate recycled sex abuse cases going back fifty years so as to deliberately mislead the public into thinking the majority of sex abuse cases occur at the hands of priests,
A hundred shameful staffers that the Russians and the Nazis wouldn't have about the place,
Four french hens and a turtle dove,
And an overt advocacy of atheism, sex culture and drugs culture that has enslaved a generation of our young people to a living death right at the time those young people needed the faith of our fathers the most.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
Independent Newspapers sent to me,
A statement of their accounts,
They owe 1500 millon dollars.
All these years they were claiming to be making profits,
Their profits only existed as accountancy tricks,
Just like the banks,
And the stock exchange companies,
The true position of Independent Newspapers is 1.5 billion in the red,
Their only revenue stream is from State Sector advertising handed over by our corrupt kleptocratic Fianna Fail government, and loans dished out by the aforementioned idiot banks who themselves have just gone bust precisely because they insisted on giving free money to newspaper groups like this one.

On the thirteenth day of Christmas, 
(That's enough Independent Newspapers. - Ed note.)