The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Friday, September 07, 2012

do muslims dream of jihadi sheep

A night of strange and perturb'd dreams.
I dreamed I was driving along the old road to South Kildare.
My car stopped suddenly.
A light misty vapour swirled onto the road.
Frantically I turned the key in the ignition.
The engine refused to fire.
Then Amal Al Idrissi Ouzagagh rose up in front of the car.
She was accompanied by other Muslim hotties, all wearing burqas.
She started to sing a parody of the old Babylon Zoo Spaceman song.
She sang:

"Islam
Islam
I've always wanted you to go
Into Islam
Intergalactic Craft
Islam
I've always wanted you to go
Into Islammmmmm
Intergalactic Jihad
Images of fascist folks
Leaving racist comments on your jokes
Meet me in the Ilac Centre toilet now
Islam
I've always wanted you to go
Into
Islammm
Intergalactic Jihad
Islammmmmm
Issss Lammmmmm
Morbid fascinations
Tamper with your soul
Feel my heartbeat shiver
As Osama takes control
Islam
I've always wanted you to go
Into Islammmmmm
Peace loving religion at war with the world
Islam
I've always wanted you to go
Into Islam
The Prophet Muhammed will kick your ass Beavis
Islam
Islam
Izzzzzzzzz-lammmmmmmmm
Izzzzzzzzzzzz- lammmmmmmmm"

She approached the side door of my car during an instrumental break and reached an ethereal hand towards me.
I was like a rabbit frozen before her gaze.
Her hand touched my hair.
A look of puzzlement creased her regal face.
"James, what have you done to your hair?" she wondered.
"I've been cutting it myself to save money in the recession," I explained.
"And you call us the barbarians," muttered Amal recoiling in horror as the full extent of my handywork became clear.
She and the other hotties reeled backwards from my car and began self detonating along the roadside.
Eventually I was left alone.
I reached for my mobile and dialled the Pentagon.
(Didn't dial the CIA because according to journalist Kenneth Timmerman, elements within the CIA wanted the Bushwacker to lose the War On Terrorism more than the Jihadis did.)
"Yeah," I said as my phone connected, "Heelers here. I've found their weakness. Muslims can't abide bad haircuts. It's the one thing that repels them. Notify our allies all over the world."
There followed a parody of that vacuously stylish Independence Day aliens film where the secret weakness of the aliens is telegraphed around the world using morse code.
I awoke in a cold sweat.
What can it all mean?

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