The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

My Photo
Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, May 21, 2011


the worm things from the soft earth
in the rainfall night crawl forth
onto pavement doorstep or road
into the concrete certainty of death

they do not think but they know
that in a darkness yet to fall
there will be an overthrow
and those who rule will crawl

and those who crawl will rule
though tonight in their impossible thousands they die
crushed under wheel trampled under foot
conquered by a nation that knows them not

Thursday, May 19, 2011

aff queen and i (4)

The gleaming black Jaguar, sleek and opulent and very classy, rolled along South Kildare's verdurous country roads.
In the back seat the Queen and Prince Philip sat in regal companionability.
"Remember, Philip..." began the Queen at one point.
"I won't say a word," interrupted Prince Philip. "I'll just read my newspaper the whole time."
They held hands tenderly and resumed their silence.
The car swung from verdurous realms into ye idyllic olde worlde surrounds of the Irish country hamlet of Kilcullen.
For once the massive police presence which had all but stifled every ounce of spontaneity and joy from the Queen's visit to Ireland, was not so intense.
Crowds of people at the roadside cheered.
The Queen waved.
It was the nearest the cops would let her get to a traditional Irish welcome.
The entourage was not expected to stop in Kilcullen.
Imagine the surprise of her Brit secret service chauffeur when the Queen barked authoritively: "Pull in here Sam."
The Brit secret service are tough but they know when not to ask questions.
The driver swung the car smoothly to rest at the kerb on Kilcullen hill.
Without a word the Queen and Prince Philip disembarked and toddled purposefully arm in arm up the tree lined avenue to the Chateau de Healy.
"I've seen enough parvenus and atheists to last me a life time," murmured the Queen. "It's time we met a real Irish man."
Philip who had been prepared for the eventuality, smiled whimsically.
Moments later the two were seated in the atrium at the Chateau sipping Rooibush tea.
Rooibush tea is on tap at the chateau since my feminist cousin Pauline started running her farm in Africa at the foot of the Ngong Hills.
(Started managing a health food store in Kicullen, surely? - Ed note.)
The Queen of England smiled fondly at the mighty Heelers.
"I miss Paddy Pup," she said softly.
Philip sat in an armchair on his best behaviour.
"Oh Heelers," said the Queen, "you wouldn't believe the oikes they've foisted on me."
"I do believe it," I told her.
"That horrible MacAleese woman," went on the Queen, "and her dreadful husband. And then that fellow who looks like Lenin."
"You mean Ruairi Quinn."
"That's the one. The fat little bollix. The one who wants to take over all your Catholic schools and replace them with Marxist academies."
"You're singing my song, Your Majesty."
"How is he going to pay for them.,Heelers, that's what I want to know. Presumably he'll just borrow the money from his corrupt gangster brother Lochlainn and his collapsed defunct bankrupt corrupt gangster shell company Allied Irish Banks."
"Testify, Ma'am, testify!" I applauded.
Behind us Prince Philip had unfolded his newspaper and opened it.
Aff Queen and I turned and stared in horror.
Prince Philip was reading a Leinster Leader.
The Queen gently lowered her head into her hands.
"Oh Philip," she murmured more in sadness than in anger, "you've done it again."

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

good ere innit

Adolf Hitler tried out many philosophies during his youth but nothing quite seemed to fit until, after many years, he finally found his own little Nietzche.

aff queen and i (3)

Aff Queen looked from the balcony of the royal quarters at Dublin Castle.
The city was spread out like a cloak before her, lights glittering in the darkness.
Behind her Prince Philip was using the bedside phone to order a takeaway.
He was becoming ever more agitated by the language barrier which exists between Ireland and England.
Finally he could contain himself no longer.
"Now listen you slant eyed yellow lepechaun," he bellowed into the receiver. "I want a sweet and sour chicken with boiled rice, and a roast duck Cantonese style with chips. And if there's any mistake I'll have your balls in chicken chow mein."
He slammed down the phone.
On the balcony Queen Elizabeth was a study.
A lily hand rose to her cheek.
"Oh Philip," she murmured softly to the night winds. "You've done it again."

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

aff queen and i (2)

Queen Elizabeth The Second stepped onto the tarmac at Baldonnell Aerodrome.
President Mary McAleese of Ireland stepped forward to greet her.
"Your Majesty," cooed President McAleese in her warm Northern burr.
Prince Philip, leaned over the Queen's shoulder.
"Are you in the IRA?" he enquired of Mrs McAleese with a jovial wink.
The Queen gently lowered her head into her hands.
"Oh Philip," she wailed, in what was never less than a regal moan. "You've done it again."