The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, February 26, 2011

an open phone text to muammur, saif, and hannibal gadaffy

You're not up against defenceless Filippino serving maids this time. Get ready to be reunited with Saddam, Uday, and Qusay.

Friday, February 25, 2011

the majesty of democracy

Staring at the ballot paper.
Which of these?
In Ireland you write down your vote by numbering candidates in order of preference.
It's confusing system which gives inconsistent results.
Still, I won't be able to change it today.
What to do?
Not giving a vote to Fianna Fail, Fine Gael, and Labour, ie the main parties, because they're all abortionists.
Labour are on a slightly higher moral plane than the other parties because Labour admits to that fact that it is an abortionist party.
Also not giving a vote to any of the three main parties because each of them one way or another is in cahoots with the banks.
Fianna Fail are doubly excluded because they have been the ones who bankrupted the nation.
Ironically enough Fianna Fail bankrupted the nation not through their policy of signing the Irish people up in perpetuity to pay the gambling debts of banking criminals at Fianna Fail's personal crime syndicate Anglo Irish Bank.
Nor did Fianna Fail bankrupt the nation be leaving banking criminals such as Sean Fitzpatrick, Snurdly Drumm and Gillian Bowler at large.
The actual bankruptcy of the nation took place because Fianna Fail gave out funny money payrises to exotortionist trade unionised State sector employees, namely, the nursies, the teachers, the police, the army and the unCivil Service.
The nursies, the teachers, the cops, the soldiers and the pen pushers are the ones who bankrupted Ireland.
And they're still doing it.
And well they know it.
So who do we vote for?
I thought of voting for Sinn Fein as a sort of protest.
Sinn Fein is the political wing of the IRA terror army, now supposedly disbanded.
Actually I voted for them once before when they put up a sexy girl called Catherine Funchion for the regional council elections.
That had been a protest vote too.
I had been protesting against the other parties joint policy of fielding hatchets at election time
My mother said she'd never forgive me.
This time Sinn Fein had a bloke standing.
Yes I could readily give him a vote, simply because the other parties don't represent me.
Then I thought of Robert McCartney.
Robert McCartney was himself a Sinn Fein activist.
He was murdered by other Sinn Fein IRA members in a pub in Belfast.
He'd crossed the local hardman who was bullying someone down the boozer when Robert McCartney intervened.
And so he had to die.
They gave him a bad end.
Unseamed him from the nave to the chops.
His sisters campaigned to get justice for him for many years.
President Bush did his level best to help them.
Some people have forgotten.
Many of us haven't.
Sinn Fein were hitting above ten percent in opiinion polls before that murder.
They were well positioned to achieve electoral success in the Republic of Ireland for the first time in a hundred years.
They've floundered in single digits since then.
You know what.
I'd say out of the 3000 murders committed by Sinn Fein over the past forty years in Ireland, the murder of Robert McCartney has cost them most dearly.
So who do I vote for?
There was an independent on the ballot called Clifford T Reid.
I knew him from my time working for a now defunct newspaper called the Leinster Leader.
An ambitious go gettter in the Irish sense of that term.
But he had once called for the distribution of condoms in the schools.
I couldn't give him a vote.
That left a handlebar moustachioed chap called Paddy Kennedy standing as an Independent, whom I didn't know from my Adam.
I gave my number one vote to Handlebar and wrote in no other preferences.
The way things have been going, Handlebar will probably turn out to be Hitler.

beauty and the beastly

(Interview conducted in the queue at the Cafe Des Beaux Parvenus in Newbridge Silverware.)

Me: I've just been having a most interesting chat with your mother. I was saying how amazing it was, you winning the Rose Of Tralee. Had to have been a fix. A right royal ready up. I mean two girls from the same town winning it in the space of a couple of years. Tell me the truth. How was it done?
Her: Ha, ha.
Me: And I suppose you hate each other as well.
Her: No, she's lovely.
Me: Is it sort of meow, meow, slash, slash, fingernails at dawn type thing?
Her: Not at all. I met up with her last week. We get on really well. I think she's great.
Me: Oh come on Claire. You can tell me. Where would I publish it anyway? No newspaper in Ireland would touch me with a forty foot barge pole.
Her: That sounds true.
Me: And another thing. Why are they serving you here ahead of me? Last time I checked I was ahead of you in this queue. As Rose Of Tralee, are you automatically entitled to get served ahead of people who've been queueing longer?
Her: I'll lend you the tiara if you like.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

film review

The Rite.
Based on the book by Matt Baglio.
Starring Anthony Hopkins.
Anthony Hopkins let himself down with his pornographic portrayal of ficional serial killer Hannibal Lector in some other film. For this reason, I will not watch him in The Rite or anything else he cares to appear in. He is not entitled to thirty seconds of my time. Ooops. Time up.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

to what serves mortal beauty

Wandering through the showrooms at Newbridge Silverware.
The crowd swirls and by an interesting chance I find myself walking in step beside The Rose Of Tralee.
The Rose Of Tralee is the holder of a title awarded at an international beauty pageant held annually in Ireland.
This year's Rose is Claire Kambamettu.
I have a vague acquaintanceship with her from somewhere.
Today amid the throng we are suddenly alone.
Our eyes meet.
"Just remember Claire," I murmur softly, "you're even more beautiful without the make up."
"I know," replies the Rose Of Tralee modestly.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

what me worry

What! No live footage on Sky News of Libyan democracy protestors being murdered in the streets? No live footage on Sky News of the slaughter of Iranian democracy protestors in Teheran? That's because unlike President Hosni Mubarrak of Egypt whom Sky News latterly did so much to oust from office, unlike him I say, Colonel Gadaffy and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad are real dictators and will permit no live coverage whatsoever of the massacres they are about to unleash. (Copies to the United Nations and Barack Hands Of Peace Across The World Obama)