The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, September 04, 2010

heelers loses it completely

Evening at the Chateau.
I am playing with Number Two hamster.
The creature known as Fur Ham.
Creature is the kindest word I'm capable of using to describe her at present.
If she was a character in Star Trek, they'd call her an entity.
"Open fire on the entity Mr Worf!"
"I can't Captain! I'm paralysed with fear! She just bit me on the zorgonators."
Fur Ham is living proof that I am incapable of saying no to pet shop owners.
After the death of Old Ham, I put out an all points bulletin for a new one.
Two pet shop owners came up trumps around the same time.
I happily accepted Hamster Number One and forgot to inform my other supplier that the deal was now off.
If I'd been a little stronger I'd have told the second one to go fish anyway.
The way Fur Ham looked at me when I wandered unsuspectingly into that pet shop, I knew she was a mouse of strong convictions.
She looked like two inches of fur bound fighting fury.
Let me this way put it.
It was as though I had a premonition that this was one rodent I didn't need to bring home with me.
But I was too weak to reject the pet shop owner who was looking so pleased with herself as she proffered me the beast.
I had asked the owner to find me a hamster of character.
The owner had done so.
How could I reject her best efforts?
I'm just a genius who cain't say no.
So here we are.
There are now a brace of hamsters in residence at the Chateau.
In the living room we have mild mannered Hamster Number One, who styles herself Baby Ham, and lives just aft of the potted fern.
In the bedroom we have the bitingly satiric Fur Ham.
At least I presume she's being satirical when she bites me.
She doesn't know me well enough to really hate me.
Maybe she's a Muslim hamster and disapproves strongly of my humble attempts to convey to people the notion that the dysfunctions being unleashed worldwide from Islamic culture are a greater threat to humanity than what the Nazis or the Russian Communists inflicted on us in the last century.
Ho hum.
Definitely I should have called her Bitey.
For as she climbs across my hand this evening, she decides, as on many other evenings, for the umpteenth time in fact, to check if I'm edible.
"Arghhhhhh," I muse.
With a splendid mastery of spirit, I replace Fur Ham carefully in her cage.
Then I hop around the room, expleting merrily.
Between expletives I suck my wounded finger.
In the corner of the room the ghosts of the old 1970's rock band Blue Oyster Cult appear suddenly and begin singing a new version of their most catchy, nay incomprehensible, and, dare I say objectionable, hit.
I think the original was about suicide.
This version is pretty much about the same thing.
God between us and all harm, etc etc.
The Blue Oyster Cult sing:
"All our times are come
Here what's lost is won
Seasons don't fear the hamster
Nor do the wind and the sun and the rain
We should be like they are
Come on baby
Don't fear the hamster
You'll be able to fly
Don't fear the hamster
You'll become like they are
Don't fear the hamster
Baby take my hand
Nahhhh, nah, nah, na
Nerdle ner ner ner ner nern
Valentino's done
Here what's lost is won
Came a last night of sadness
And he knew that he couldn't go on
And the door was open and the wind appeared
The candle blew and then disappeared
The curtain flew and then she appeared
Don't be afraid
Come on baby
Don't fear the hamster
You'll be able to fly
Don't fear the hamster
Come on baby
And he had no fear
And he ran to her
He looked backward and saw
He had become like they are
Don't fear the hamster
Looked backward and saw
He had become like they are
He had taken her hand
Don't fear the hamster
You'll be able to fly
Forty thousand men and women everyday
Another forty thousand everyday
They don't fear the hamster
They have become like they are
And they get bitten on the hand
Nahhhh, nah, nah, nah, na
Nerdle ner ner nerrrrrr"

Friday, September 03, 2010

sous le soleil de satan

Slowly but surely English language translations of Archbishop Diarmuid Martin's speech in Italy last week have begun to emerge.
The speech attracted some attention initially mainly because Archbishop Diarmuid Martin's office had refused to furnish reporters with an English language translation.
What on earth was he trying to hide?
In the speech Archbishop Diarmuid Martin attempted to play both ends against the middle, posing at once as a sincere churchman concerned about anti Catholic bias in the media, and at precisely the same time presenting himself as a zealous rebellious radical struggling to uproot concealers of child abuse among Bishops.
Both poses are equally false.
Archbishop Diarmuid Martin has been operating hand in glove with Ireland's morally and financially bankrupt liberal atheistic newspaper groups in an attempt to criminalise a generation of heroic self sacrificing priests and Bishops.
Party to the conspiracy are shadowy elites in the upper echelons of Irish society, Judges, Senior Civil Servants and politicians.
This is a persecution of the Church.
It is a persecution more malign than anything that came before, worse than the Penal Laws in Ireland, worse on a worldwide scale than the Muslim conquests, the Nazi period or the age of Communist imperialism.
This persecution uses sex abuse victims as a Trojan Horse to ascribe limitless guilt to our ancient Church.
It ignores most sex abuse vicims, the 99.99 percent who have suffered most grievously and who haven't been abused by anyone who can be even remotely connected to the Church.
Such victims are useless for the persecutors because their victimhood cannot be exploited.
So they are thrown on the trash heap, unrecognised, unremarked, unheard, uncompensated and unmourned.
Only the 0.01 percent of sex abuse victims who have been defiled by those with some sort of connection to the Church are of use in this persecution.
There have been some logistical difficulties for the persecutors in manipulating these vicims.
For a start only a tiny minority of the small number of victims who  were actually abused by Church figures are willing to help the anti Church persecutors with their pogrom.
Incredibly, in spite of what they've suffered, most of the tiny minority of sex abuse victims who actually were abused by someone within the Catholic Church, won't even return the phone calls from anti Catholic media groups like RTE, The Irish Times and Independent Newspapers.
Most of the tiny minority of sex abuse victims who were actually abused by a priest or nun do not believe the crimes of their abuser are crimes that should be laid at the door of the Universal Church.
Most of this tiny minority of sex abuse victims who were actually abused by someone within the Church, have refused point blank to allow themselves to be used in the present culture war against the Catholic faith.
Those are some magnificent people right there.
They had every right to buy into the media's hijacking of their victimhood.
They could have made money.
They would have been lionised on television.
Their suffering would have been elevated beyond the heights of Mount Olympus.
But most of them saw right through it.
Most of them refused to play ball.
So in Ireland we see the same handfull of victims perpetually recycled to propagandise against the Church.
They're the only ones the media can get.
Marie Collins and Andrew Madden recur time and time again on television and in the newspapers calling for various and vicarious and ever more deleterious acts of atonement and abasement by arbitrarily chosen figures from the Pope to Cardinals to Bishops to ordinary priests and nuns.
That's the best the persecutors can do.
These two.
But two is enough.
The persecutors know that most of us won't talk back against sex abuse victims.
Using these two alone they can ascribe limitless guilt to the entire Church.
They are the perfect avatars of total destruction.
The persecution murders no one.
For the most part it only murders reputations.
That's all they need to do for now.
The real murders will come later after the persecutors have seized Church assets and driven the Church from public life.
And Archbishop Diarmuid Martin is working with the media to achieve this end.
Note that Archbishop Diarmuid Martin's brother Seamus was a famously pro Soviet Marxist atheist Political Editor at the Irish Times. Seamus spent the Cold War rooting for the Russians. The rat lines are visible.
Archbishop Diarmuid Martin and his liberal leftist media accomplices (and be assured they are his accomplices in spite of his recent whining in bog Italian about their behaviour) Archbishop Diarmuid Martin and the media I say, have been contriving, construing and arbitrarily ascribing guilt for elderly Bishops through the retrospectively malign interpretation of the Bishops' motives in seeking to handle thirty year old child abuse cases with discretion.
Here is the news.
Archbishop Diarmuid Martin is a leftist infiltrator of the Catholic Church.
He is the first such highly placed infiltrator to ever worm his way into the heart of the Catholic Church in Ireland.
There have been lower placed leftist infiltrator Padres working in the documentary section at State broadcaster RTE and among certain missionary orders.
Archbishop Diarmuid Martin's only aim, as I have repeatedly pointed out here, is to remake the Catholic Church in his own image.
That is to say, he wishes to transform the ancient Church into a pseudo progressive liberal leftist club for atheists and their proto Marxian fellow travellers.
Archbishop Diarmuid Martin may just be a liberal leftist emerging from a faction within the Vatican Curia where he worked as a diplomat for decades.
Or he may be a Soviet infiltrator.
His brother's links to the Soviet Union and Archbishop Diarmuid Martin's own blase Stalinist actions in demonising Bishops through inuendo and then denying them the right to speak for themselves while casually murdering their reputations in the media, imply the latter.
In any case, similar Soviet era infiltrators of the Catholic Church have been exposed in Poland, Austria, and other European countries.
The Polish one was exposed on the eve of being appointed Cardinal.
Shit happens.
Rather more interestingly, and perhaps incredibly, as the remaining portions of Archbishop Diarmuid Martin's Italian speech are finally being scrutinised in newspapers and magazines here, it has become apparent that Archbishop Diarmuid Martin is heading off criticisms and analyses arising from no less a personage than myself by specifically hijacking phrases from this very blog The Heelers Diaries, and applying them to his critics.
Thus we now discover that in his Italian speech he warned without blushing that there were Catholics in Ireland "seeking to remake the church in their own image."
He used the precise phrase to describe his critics which I have already used fifty times here to describe him.
He may not even have been describing his critics.
It wasn't absolutely clear who he was describing.
His intention may have been to confuse those of us who are his critics by seeming to adopt our analysis as his own.
Is it possible that both I and Archbishop Diarmuid Martin came up with this phrase independently of each other?
It is possible but highly unlikely.
Is it possible then that Archbishop Diarmuid Martin agrees with me that shadowy forces are seeking to remake the Catholic Church in their own image?
It is possible but only in the context that Archbishop Diarmuid Martin is knowingly pointman for the conspiracy which I am seeking to indict by this phrase and therefore knows the truth of it.
The highest likelihood is as follows.
Archbishop Diarmuid Martin lifted the phrase from these pages and turned it from a genuine analysis of his own usurpationist motivations into a propaganda coup de main against his critics.
You don't work for twenty years as a career diplomat in the Vatican without learning a few tricks.
Machiavelli would be embarassed by the crassness of the deception.
In order to push his pose as a loyal Church figure before his Italian audience, Archbishop Diarmuid Martin also regurgitated my criticisms of his media allies and pointed out (correctly) that there are no Catholic newspapers in Ireland.
And most tellingly of all, in the middle of this veritable maelstrom of disinformation designed as much to mislead the Italians as to bamboozle his critics in Ireland, Archbishop Diarmuid Martin showed his real hand by suggesting that the Irish people are "theological illiterates."
Naughty Archy.
Naughty, naughty, very naughty.
You're starting to annoy me.

Thursday, September 02, 2010

all ye who would enter the kingdom of heaven must become as little children

The mighty Heelers is kneeling soulfully in Kilcullen church.
Between bouts of mystic exaltation, I am listening in on my nephews who are with their mother in the pew in front of me.
"Can we light a candle for Uncle James and the hamster?" whispers Tom aged six.
"Not now," says his mother, "mass is about to begin."
The stern faced priest Father Michael emerges onto the altar.
"I have some colouring sheets here for the children," he announces cheerfully. "The sheets contain scenes from the gospel. Any children who want to do some colouring can come up and take one now. There are pens and markers for you to use and you can show me your completed drawings at the end of mass."
"I want one of those," says Tom.
"So do I," says John aged eight.
"Well I'm not going up for them," states their mother firmly. "If you want them you can get them yourself."
The two nephews sulk for a few minutes.
The church service begins.
"How many more seconds will this last?" asks Tom tugging at his mother's sleeve.
"Three thousand," snorts his mother.
"How long is that?" persists Tom.
"Count up to 3000 and it'll be over," she tells him.
For long moments the pew rustles with muted counting: "One, two, three, four... eleven, twelve... twenty eight, twenty nine, thirty..."
"Is it over yet?"
"Did you reach 3000?"
"How far did you get?"
"I got to 56."
"Well it's not over so."
Once more Father Michael's voice rings out from the altar.
"The gospel according to Saint John," he intones.
There is an excited stir from my littlest nephew.
"Hey John," he gasps, "this one is about you."
For long moments I am incapable of coherent speech, prayer or breathing.
I am laughing so hard.
"Can we light a candle for Uncle James and the hamster now?"
"I told you Tom not till the end of mass."
A pause.
"I want to see Jesus."
He is pointing to the little statue in a side alcove.
"Not now, later."
"Why is Jesus wearing a dress?"
When Ireland's greatest living poet finally stifles his laughter and regains control of his senses, mass is finished.
Father Michael bestows his blessing and departs into the sacristy.
The altar is clear.
As one the nephews scamper up to the front of the church to retrieve armfulls of colouring sheets.
"There were pens and crayons and markers up there too," John informs his mother.
"Hey, he said we could take those as well," remembers Tom brightly, getting ready to go back up on the altar.
His mother grabs him.
"He said you could take the colouring sheets," she insists. "You can only take the pens and crayons if you're doing your colouring here in church. You can't take them home with you."
The little family disappears towards the alcove containing a statue of the child Jesus.
I cannot help thinking how God must love them.

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

the monica leech vulgarism in

Two little girls run to their mother.
They have just returned from a drive to the shops with their father.
The little girls say: "Mammy, Mammy why do we never meet any stupid dirty f***ing b******d c***s when we're out driving with you?"

No Jihad here. Move along folks.

Two Yemeni men flying from Chicago have been arrested in the Netherlands.
Of course Barack Obama and his appeaserish staff are already pathetically insisting that these Yemeni Muslim terrorist Al Qaeda assassins were not engaged in an Al Qaeda attack.
Here is the news.
The Two Yemeni men flying from Chicago who were arrested in the Netherlands were explicitly and expressly engaged in an Al Qaeda attack.
It was the sole purpose of their visit.
The Yemenis were engaged in a multiple probe mission.
The Yemenis were probing security procedures and response strategies in America and Europe by doing everything they would do in the event of an attack except actually detonating their bombs.
Probe missions allow Al Qaeda to sow panic without losing any operatives.
Probe missions allow Al Qaeda to test the capabilities of airport, airline and homeland security teams.
Probe missions allow Al Qaeda to test Western will and resolve.
Probe missions allow Al Qaeda operatives to train themselves up to full mass murder readiness without facing the danger of being either executed or sent to Guantanamo Bay or even being given a few dull weekend holidays in a liberal European prison.
We are currently imposing no penalty on Al Qaeda murderers caught engaging in probe missions.
No sanction
The Muslims rehearse for their mass murders with impunity.
For the most part our media groups are ignoring such missions.
The reportage is, shall we say, scanty.
And Barack Obama is telling you every time that such missions do not constitute an Al Qaeda attack.
It's not really all that surprising.
Barack claimed the infiltrator attack on Fort Hood was a result of post traumatic stress syndrome.
You remember the attack?
In spite of being a known Muslim Jihadi Al Qaeda agent, Hassan Malik was permitted to enter the American army as an officer and promoted to the rank of Colonel.
When he was ready, ie at a time of his choosing, nay veritably at his leisure, he walked into a room full of unarmed American soldiers and murdered thirteen of them along with an unborn baby.
Another bright and brave day for the peaceloving religion of Islam.
And Barack Hussein Obama claimed Muslim Al Qaeda coward assassin Hassan Malik had suffered post traumatic stress disorder without ever being in a war zone.
Barack thought Hassan Malik was the world's first ever example of post traumatic stress disorder caught before going to war.
Barack's incompetence is beyond delusional.
It is obscene.
So the Al Qaeda probe missions continue.
This week's bunch, the Yemeni Al Qaeda terrorists, were endeavouring to see whether they could smuggle immitation bombs in their suitcases onto various onward flights in America and Europe.
The Yemenis were attempting to send suitcases to destinations on flights they deliberately missed after a stop over.
The Yemenis were successful in leaving a suitcase on a flight to Washington which in accordance with the above stated strategy they deliberately did not board.
The flight to Washington continued to its destination in Washington with the Yemeni terrorists' luggage on board but without the Yemeni terrorists themselves on board.
The fight to Washington broke all protocols in flying with a Yemeni terrorist's luggage on board while the Yemeni terrorist himself had deliberately missed the flight.
The flight to Washington broke all those protocols because the idiots in charge of the flight to Washington gambled on whether this was just an Al Qaeda rehearsal mission or an actual terrorist strike.
The idiots in charge of the flight to Washington gambled with the lives of all the passengers on board the flight to Washington.
Since Al Qaeda knows its agents are not being detained when caught carrying out probe missions, it's a win win situation for them.
If the idiots in charge of the Washington flight, delay the flight to remove the non travelling Al Qaeda members' luggage, then massive inconvenience is caused to the general public.
If the idiots in charge of the Washington flight don't delay the flight, then Al Qaeda can draw its own conclusions and detonate suitcase on this flight, or the next flight, or whatever flight they so choose.
Remind me again, why we actually allow Muslims onto aeroplanes.
Leaving a suitcase on a flight which the bomber has deliberately missed was the method used by Libyan murderer Abdel Bertie Basset Al Magrahi and his accomplices to murder 260 people in the Lockerbie Pan Am jet bombing.
Bertie Basset Al Magrahi was recently released by the British government in return for an oil deal with Libyan dictator Muammar Gadaffi and his maniacal sons Hannibal, Islam and Snotface.
Back to the present.
The Yemeni Al Qaeda terrorist assassins, having deliberately missed their flight to Washington, and having successfully placed luggage on that flight which nonetheless completed its journey, now caught a flight to Dubai.
The Dubai flight had a connection stop over in the Netherlands.
The Yemeni Al Qaeda terrorists' luggage on the flight to Dubai contained immitation bombs.
The Yemeni Al Qaeda terrorists were arrested in the Netherlands.
The Yemeni Al Qaeda terrorists claim they don't know each other.
The Yemeni Al Qaeda terrorists are laughing at the rest of us secure in the knowledge that dysfunctionin liberal jurisprudence will not execute or incarcerate them for smuggling fake bombs in their suitcases.
It's all a big joke for the Yemeni Al Qaeda terrorists.
I strongly suggest we all get together to give them a punchline they won't enjoy.
The way the liberals are running European legal systems, the Yemeni Al Qaeda terrorist assassins will be released in six days.
Until we start shooting Yemeni Al Qaeda terrorists carrying out probe missions on passenger planes, these probe missions will continue.
I say it one more time with feeling.
Why on earth are we letting Muslims fly on aeroplane, or through our countries, at all?


Actor Miley Byrne has died.
It was a blessed release.
For all of us.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

odd ditties

The pen may be mightier than the sword but it can in no way match the speed and accuracy of a machine gun.

stephens green

lesser spotted yobs
spreadeagle on the lawn
a long tied businessman
chirps into his phone
golden breasted secretaries
cluster round the fountain
preening at their feathers
and cackling with abandon
whilest an elephantine matron
trumpets for her young
and a herd of student sexalopes
gambol in the sun
each creature happy
in its cacaphonic fate
save a lone wolfen poet
hunting for a mate

Monday, August 30, 2010

our television listings

(Ireland's national fraudcaster.)
9.00 Now We Are Five. Sex education programme intended to dechristianise children. Presented by Russ Meyers.
9.30 I Love Lucy. Religious programme presented by atheistic Archbishop Diarmuid Martin.
10.00 I Dream Of Jeanie. Sitcom starring former Irish Fine Gael parliamentarian Alan Dukes and his secretary Snurdelicia. In today's episode Alan is asked to take over the corrupt banking shell Anglo Irish Bank by evil thieving gypsy bastard politicians from Fianna Fail who want to use him in order to gain cross party credibility for their plans to spend the Irish nation into the Third World overnight. Anglo Irish Bank has more losses than Citibank the largest American bank to fail in the recent debt crisis. In fact the full level of Anglo Irish Bank's losses is still being concealed from the public. Anglo Irish Bank is the most indebted bank on the planet earth. It may owe as much as one hundred thousand million dollars. It may owe more. Here is the news. Saving it will mean the end of Ireland as an independent nation. But in any case it was never even necessary to try and save it. It could, and should, have been let die. Anglo Irish Bank wasn't even in the top three banks in Ireland. It could have been let sink and most of us would never even have noticed it was gone. It could have been let fail and the only people who would have lost money were Anglo Irish Bank's corrupt coterie of investors, ie the Fianna Fail party. Instead the whole nation has been signed up to cover Fianna Fail's gambling losses. Will Alan be able to resist the lure of hundreds of thousands of dollars and a third pension? Will Snurdelicia be able to save the day? Will Fianna Fail and their gangster friends be sent en masse to jail? No, no, and no.
10.30 Murder She Wrote. Jessica discovers a plot to undermine the Catholic Church from within. Incensed she gives Archbishop Diarmuid Martin a root in the bawls and shoots up the Irish Times building.
11.00 Home And Away. Australian travelogue.
11.30 Coronation Street. British travelogue.
12.00 Dallas. American travelogue. In today's episode Jota Erre tries to regain custody of Juan Ross.
1.00 News. According to a shower of left wing atheists, it's the news. The real news is that RTE is an anti Catholic porn channel financed by compulsory taxation on the Catholic citizenry who are not themselves permitted to set up television stations to compete with it. The wheel is rigged but it's the only game in town.
2.00 Afternoon Show. Leg waxing extravaganza with RTE's pool of in house harridans.
5.00 Pop Charts. Porn show for teenagers intended to disrupt formative sexualities and smother any nascent spirituality that might be out there. It's such a privilege to be forced to finance this crudd.
6.00 The Angelus. Bell filled sop to believing Christians. But who will bell the liberal atheists of RTE?
7.00 Nationwide. More drivel than you could shake a stick at.
8.00 The Blah Blah Blah Documentary Hour. Featuring something pro Muslim, something anti American or something adulatorily abortionist, or perhaps all three.
9.00 The Rose Of Tralee. Venal, vapid and vomitous. Beauty contest won this year by a rather attractive girl with whom I have a vague acquaintance. Ah Miss Kambamettu. You're the psychologist for me. If only you would help me discover what I mean when I say Whoarrggggggggggh.
10.00 The Late Late Show. Experimental new chat show format where the presenter is an aborted foetus. Ryan Tubridy is believed to be the first aborted foetus anywhere on earth to present his own programme. He is on Irish national television solely because he is the son of a Fianna Fail political dynasty, known as The Andrews Family. Let me this way put it. The Andrews Family make the Gambinos look like paragons of probity. The Andrews Family make The Addams Family look like Quakers. The Andrews Family make the Brady Bunch look like parliamentary Statesmen. And so on. The Andrews family has been most famous, aside from parachuting its sons and daughters and cousins and clearning ladies, into television presenter jobs and seats in parliament, most famous I say, for advocating the establishment of Muslim television channels in Ireland. Hoo boy. Otiose Muslim apologist David Andrews once proclaimed: "The Irish need to learn what we owe to the religion of Islam." You couldn't make it up. Although strictly speaking David Andrews was making it up. Since the only thing Ireland owes to the religion of Islam is the establishment here of Muslim Al Qaeda terrorist crime gangs such as the Black Jackets who are currently to be seen pretending to work as sign holders advertising businesses on Grafton Street in Dublin. David Andrews as part of a decades long Fianna Fail governmental ascendancy has of course been to the fore in giving Irish citizenship to as many thug Muslims as possible so that Al Qaeda won't be starting from scratch when they finally attempt to take over here. David Andrews' pronouncements on the conflict between the Israelis and those Muslims styling themselves Palestinians who wish to destroy the State of Israel, have always been designed expressly to put Ireland on the wrong side of history. Namely he's spent the past two decades rooting for the Jihadis. Ho hum. Tonight's episode of the Late Late Show is something of a milestone. (Millstone surely? - Ed note.) Ryan Tubridy is the only aborted foetus to ever receive recognition as a human being from RTE which has spent thirty years militating for abortion culture in this country.
12.00 Closedown. If only they would close the bloody thing down.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

it just ain't cricket

I have not watched a cricket match since 2007 and will not watch one again.
I do not watch cricket matches because of my strong feelings about events that occurred in the Cricket World Cup of 2007.
At this World Cup, my beloved Ireland defeated the Pakistan Cricket team.
Within hours of the defeat, Pakistan's Cricket coach Englishman Bob Woolmer had been murdered in his hotel room.
Initial reports stated clearly that he was strangled.
I made some enquiries.
My source within the gambling fraternity informed me that the result against Ireland had been fixed.
When I asked how he could be sure, my source replied: "James you yourself would have a better chance of beating Bjorn Borg in a game of tennis than Ireland would have of beating Pakistan at Cricket. You might get your racket to his serve an odd time by chance. He might double fault through sheer random accident once or twice in three sets. Otherwise it would just be ace, ace, ace, ace, ace. And when you served to him the return would be buried, buried, buried, buried, buried, every time. Unless Bjorn had a heart attack, you would not win a game or a point aside from his double faults if any. Ireland were similarly mismatched against Pakistan. The result that occurred between Ireland and Pakistan simply couldn't happen other than through match fixing."
My source added not unkindly that the bookmaking probabilities as far as a gambler would be concerned, would suggest the bet on me against Bjorn Borg might actually be far better value as a monetary investment than any bet on the Irish to beat Pakistan.
He rejected all suggestions in the strongest possible terms that the Ireland Pakistan match could have been anything other than fixed.
I asked him did he seriously think innocent little amateur Irish cricketers would be involved in match fixing.
He told me that the team that wins doesn't need to know a thing about it.
It is only the losing team, in this case Pakistan, that has to be in on the plan.
After consulting my gambling source, I undertook further modest research and confirmed that Pakistan had previously been caught throwing a match against Bangladesh in a World Cup tournament.
A swirl of match fixing allegations had surrounded the team for at least the last decade.
The most persistent rumours seemed to indicate that an organised coterie of Pakistani players were throwing games in return for bribes from gamblers.
Pakistani authorities themselves had ordered a Judicial enquiry into the earlier highly improbable defeat against Bangladesh.
The Pakistani Judge on the case had gone public to announce that Pakistan Cricketeer Inzamam Ul Haq was withholding evidence from his enquiry.
In the end Pakistan's own internal enquiry into the Pakistan Cricket team's match fixing, resulted in no expulsions from the team or from the sport.
Other such Judicial enquiries in Pakistan over the years have occasionally resulted in famous players being permanently excluded from the game.
For the most part though, they've been getting away with it.
I myself had become interested in Pakistan's Cricket team some weeks prior to the death of coach Bob Woolmer.
I had thought that coach Bob Woolmer was taking risks as an Englishman working with a team known to be infiltrated by Islamist Jihadis who were committed to terrorism and rabidly imbued with hatred for any human being not of their stripe.
At the time, Islamist Jihadis were getting trounced by the American and British armies in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Islamist Jihadis all over the world were desperate for opportunities to kill white people and/or Westerners.
And the Pakistan Cricket team was rotten with just such Islamist Jihadis.
The Pakistan Cricket Captain Inzamam Ul Haq was a committed member of terrorist organisation Tablighi Jamaat.
When Bob Woolmer appeared on television sports reports from Pakistani Cricket team training sessions, I shook my head sadly.
I thought that any Westerner working with Inzamam Ul Haq and friends was taking his life in his hands.
The then President of Pakistan Pervez Musharaff had also been concerned about Islamist elements infiltrating the Pakistan Cricket team and recruiting its players.
President Musharaff had appealed to the players to focus on the sporting side of what they were supposed to be doing.
Within days of the death of Bob Woolmer, pathologist Ere Seshaiah concluded Bob Woolmer had been murdered by manual strangulation.
Jamaican Police Commissioner Lucius Thomas told reporters Bob Woolmer's death was murder.
Jamaica's Chief Investigator on the case a former British policeman called Mark Shields insisted that evidence in the bedroom indicated clearly that Bob Woolmer had been murdered.
There were unconfirmed reports that closed circuit television footage in the hotel showed members of Pakistan's Cricket team visiting Bob Woolmer's bedroom at the time Bob Woolmer was murdered.
The entire Pakistan Cricket team was interviewed by Jamaican police.
Shortly afterwards, I saw Pakistan's Cricket Captain and number one murder suspect Inzamam Ul Haq speaking to reporters on television.
When asked whether he had murdered Bob Woolmer, Inzamam Ul Haq giggled like a schoolgirl.
It was most inappropriate.
Then he said: "No."
From this display I concluded that Bob Woolmer had indeed been murdered and that Inzamam Ul Haq had killed him.
We'll know for sure one day.
The Cricket World Cup authorities did not expel Pakistan.
The Cricket World Cup authorities continued with their tournament.
The Pakistan Cricket team was permitted to fly home from Jamaica even while investigating police officers were insisting vociferously that Bob Woolmer had been murdered.
The shabbiness of the Cricketing authorities repsonse to the murder put me off the sport for life.
But the murder of Bob Woolmer alone would have been enough reason for me to withdraw my support forever.
The story had a further twist.
Within three months of beginning their investigation, Jamaican police back tracked on their initial announcements that Bob Woolmer had been murdered.
They now stated that the death was due to natural causes.
They claimed three independent autopsies had failed to concur with the examination by pathologist Ere Seshaiah.
Interestingly enough the investigation had been taken over by detectives from Britain's Scotland Yard and it was these who were to the fore in insisting Bob Woolmer had died of natural causes.
I would have a student's interest in knowing the names and religions of these Scotland Yard detectives.
Does it make me a racist if I suspect Pakistani Muslim police officers in Scotland Yard might be willing to conceal a murder by Pakistani Muslim Cricketers?
Their conclusions meant that the murderer of Bob Woolmer got away scot free.
Or should I say Scotland Yard free.
The final twist came when a Jury in the coroner's court refused to go along with this whitewash.
The Jury recorded an open verdict, still leaving the way open at least in theory for a murder prosecution.
Meanwhile in the intervening years since 2007, Islamist Jihadi players on the Pakistan Cricket team have continued to throw matches for money.
And just this week a normally low rent and sleazoid British newspaper called The News Of The World, courageously and honorably procured precise evidence in a sting operation of the extent of ongoing match fixing corruption within the Pakistan Cricket Team.
A News Of The World journalist had himself filmed bribing a go between to arrange various errors by Pakistani Cricketers in play which gamblers would be able to bet on.
For instance if a gambler knew in advance that a Pakistani Cricketer was about to bowl a foul ball, the gambler could bet vast sums on that eventuality.
The errors paid for by the News Of The World appeared as scheduled in Pakistan's match play during their current tour of England.
Arrests are expected hourly.
I for one am not surprised.
The real surprise will be if there's any actual convictions.