The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

great moments in bathos

My brother Doctor Barn and his colleague Doctor Farrell had journeyed from the Republic of Ireland to Great Britain to attend a Liverpool versus Sunderland soccer game.
The innocents abroad.
Like many Irish people they had long cherished ambitions to one day sit amid the real life fans in Liverpool's own football ground and breathe in the legendary atmosphere of this storied stadium for themselves.
The day had arrived.
They'd been lucky so far.
None of the legendary English fans had killed them yet.
After a childhood spent watching this boring game on television, reading about it in Shoot Incorporating Goal and Roy Of The Rovers, aping it in the school yard, dreaming about it night after night, after a typical Irish childhood, I say, obsessing about English League Football, here they were at last.
(Heelers own childhood was spent obsessing about the John Carpenter film Dark Star, and Woody Allen's Bananas. - Ed note.)
Around Doctor Barn and Doctor Farrell the real life Liverpool fans pressed.
On the pitch a Sunderland player was proceeding goalwards.
The Sunderland player was of Chinese extraction.
A Liverpool fan directly behind my brother and Doctor Farrell began to shout maledictions relating directly to the Sunderland player's Chinese ethnicity.
The accent of the Liverpool fan was classically nasally Liverpudlian.
The Liverpool fan was shouting thusly: "You f--kin gook, f--k off ya f--kin gook, you're only a f--kin gook, I'll f--kin kill you, ya f--kin gook."
Doctor Farrell turned to Doctor Barn who had never experienced anything like this in Roy Of The Rovers and was looking kind of green.
Behind them the Liverpool fan continued his medatio ad gookem fookiendem.
"Interesting," mused Doctor Farrell, "that must be the famous Scouse wit."

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