The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, December 19, 2009

angels of murkadi

Father Paddy Foley (83) has returned to Nigeria after his recent holiday with the Holy Ghost Fathers in Dublin. This week he sent this photo to my Dad, his friend since childhood. The picture shows eight women from the town of Murkadi who had been praying for girl children as in the past they only had boys. On the first Sunday in advent Father Foley celebrated mass in a grass roofed church at Murkadi. The women asked him to bless their new babies. God had answered all their prayers. The congregation at Murkadi took up a collection for the women after the mass.

today they said

(Live from the Copenhagan summit on Climate Change.)

Evo Morales (President of Bolivia): I teenk climate change ees a beeg problem. Si. In my country I ave been applying a failed system of communeest deektatorsheep for de last few years. But thees ees not what makes Bolivia poor. No. Ees de climate change. My failed Staleeneest policies are not de cause. I want free money for me and my dictatorship, I mean deektatorsheep. Free money from de rest of de wurlll. Tank you.

Raul Castro (President of Cuba): I agree wit Evo. About everyteeng. We have had fifty years of murderous communist atheistic dictatorship in Cooba. But dis is not why our country is peeess poor. Iss de rest of de wurrrlll an its carbon. We wanna da free money juss like Boleeveea. So we can continooo our murders an dictatorin an lockin up de wrydoors an de journaleests. Tank you.

Hugo Chavez (President of Venezuela): Allo gringos. George Bush is de devil. Gimme da free money. My country is poor because of all dose free western democracies. Sure I am a murdering dictator who has propped up the Farc terror army in neighbouring Columbia for de years. But hey. Who hasn't? You canna make a Marxian omelette widout breakin a few humanitarian eggs. Know whad I mean, gringos? We Venezuelans are a dictatorsheep but dat's not why we're poor. We're poor cos o you gringos. Gimme da money. Gimme da money for da climate change or I'll unleash my Russian sponsored army of turd world killers on alla youse. You doity rats. You doity rats. Made it Ma. Top of the world. Grassy ass.

Omar Hassan Ahmed Al Bashir (President of Sudan): Allah u akbar. Give me your money and I'll give you Islam. Nyah ha ha G-Force. Sudan is not poor because of my fifty year Islamist dictatorship. Sudan is not poor because I've murdered three million people in the south of my country in a civil war. Sudan is not poor because I've murdered three hundred thousand people in the north west of my country in another civil war. Sudan is not poor because I've run it as a Soviet camp for three decades and as an Islamist camp for two more. Sudan is poor because of climate change. Allah told me in a dream that I can kill whoever I like. I can wipe out the whole population of Sudan. And the west must still give me free money because of this made up con job we murdering dictators call climate change. When your luck's in, why fight it!

King Hassan (Ruler of Morococococococco): Morocco is not poor because of my fifty year war of extermination against the people of Western Sahara. It's the climate change dunnit. Gimme da free money.

Umbootoo (Ruler of the Congo): Millions dead. In just a few years. Millions. The horror. The horror. If you people still believed in God, you'd know satan when you saw him. He is very close now. Do you think the diabolic tide of slaughter will stop in Africa? I will accept any free money you send me on account of non existent climate changes. But look at my country. And turn back to your God of light and truth. You will need him soon. Heaven help us all.

Colonel Gadaffy (Psycho in Chief, Libya): Libya's endemic poverty and decultured psychotisised people have nothing to do with the pyschotic religion of Islam or with my own psychotic family of psychotic loon loon loons. Our failure during fifty years of murderous dictatorship to deliver a better standard of living or civilisation to our country in spite of massive oil wealth, is solely the result of climate change. Hannibal, put down that human skull. Bad boy. Bad. I've told you before not to kill people in the living room. Hannibal's my eldest. Such a chore. No decorum at all. Free money from the west to compensate me for climate change. Whoopee. I honestly didn't see that one coming. Last train to transcentral. Justified ancients of Mu Mu. Where were we?

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (President of the Islamic Republic of Iran): Boom.

Jose Eduardo Dos Santos (President of Angola): Some of these third world wimps are trying to steal my thunder. They're also rans. They don't know how to really enslave and impoverish a population. They're just amateur mass murderers. I've been imposing Marxian dictatorship on Angola for six decades. I even got the United Nations to say one of my elections was free and fair in 1992. The same United Nations that rubbished the American backed democracy in Afghanistan. I kid you not. Ha, ha, ha. I've waged civil war throughout that time. Western democracies are to blame. How dare they create wealth and dignity for their populations while I was murdering mine. Now all these African and Arab scum are trying to get in at the ground floor of my victim culture routine. Everybody wants to get into the act. Well listen to me. I got worse climate change than anybody. Show me the money. Show me the money. Show me the moneeeeeeeey.

Robert Mugabe (President of Zimbabwe): Zimbabwe is not poor because of my thirty year Marxian dictatorship. Nor is it poor because I've imposed precisely the same communist system on my people that the Russians figured out was a crock of shite two decades ago. Nor is it poor because of the murders my police officers commit. Why, they're nearly as bad as Irish police officers at this stage. But I digress. Zimbabwe is not poor because I have forced four million people to flee the country. Zimbabwe isn't poor because I seized land from white farmers. No. Such domestic terrorism is good for a country. Nor is Zimbabwe poor because my Stalinist economic policies have shut down the economy. No. None of my murderous mismanagement is the cause. Zimbabwe is poor simply and solely because of climate change. The western world must now give me free money so that I can continue to debase an entire nation in the style to which I've become accustomed. Exit... Stage left... Ululating...

Hu Jin Tao (President of China): Climate change, is velly nice way of impeding the democlatisation of the planet earth while distlacting attention from the war on tellor. Me likee very much. China is nice dlictatorship. Tlue, we plop up the govelment of Sudan and lun North Kolea as a Chinese plovince with the explicit purpose of destabilising democlacies on our borders. Tlue we also sponsor Maoist rebellions in India and Nepal. And you should see what we do to Tibetans when they start tlying to lepudiate our invasion of their country. But aside flom that, we velly nice. No ploblems here. Move along now. Or I'll shoot you.

Vladimir Putin (President of Russia): If it inconveniences America then I'm for it. I am resovietising Russia. I am establishing collaborative links with Hugo Chavez, Evo Morales, Castro's Cuba, the vomitous Saudis, and the Islamic Republic of Iran. I am determined to put Russia on the wrong side of history. I am sheltering the Polonium 90 murderer of dissident Boris Lugevoy in the Russian parliament. I have instructed nuclear bombers to begin threatening western Europe again with provocative overflights. Tell Agent 99 to hurry up and seduce Heelers. Some of this stuff is starting to get a bit embarassing.

John Fry (Chief Executive Officer of the Johnston Press): I'm a c---.

Gordon Brown (Prime Minister of Great Britain): I'd rather believe in climate change than recognise the genuine threat to humanity now arising from dysfunctions in the Muslim world as evidenced by the ongoing infiltration of Al Qaeda murder armies into Western Europe via people traffickers. Honestly, I'm just useless.

Nicholas Sarkozy (President of France): I am also, ow you say, useless.

Barack Obama (President of the United States of America): Those guys may be useless but I'm groovy.

James Healy: Climate change is a lie based on fake science. It began as an attempt by atheistic environmentalists to invent an atheistic apocalypse. It really took off when declining left wing media groups began to champion it. Appeasers like Al Gore latched on, sensing an opportunity to diminish President Bush's war on the terror armies of Islam. Impoverished third world countries latched on looking for hand outs. Corrupt financial institutions were happy to embrace the myth, as they sensed the possibility of huge profits trading the nonsensical carbon credits which advocates of the fiction were proposing to use to control emissions. All of their motivations were and are based on falsehood. False science. False economics. False thinking. There is no climate change. If the weather turns on us, it will be because God is punishing us for our abortion culture, our promiscuity culture, our drugs culture, our society wide sex abuse culture, our murder culture, our dictatorships, our pornography, our enslavement of men, women and children to the pleasure ethic, our abuse of the elderly in old folks homes, our hatred of all that is good, our failure to show love. I agree with the leader of the Congo whom I made up. It would behove us now to ask God if he's real, and if he is real, to ask him for mercy, conversion and peace.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

decembering at the chateau

The Cardinal and the tit should be friends.

(Respectfully dedicated to popular Cardinal Sean Brady and to the proprietor of Independent Newspapers Mr Tony O'Reilly esquire.)

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


footballers cheer a score
pat carroll shoots rabbits in the gloom
children steal crab apples
and farmer byrne calls the cattle home

perhaps this chaotic place
is not kilcullen in 1989
but a dusty frontier town
at the heart of ancient palestine

the sounds dissolve
into a muted half felt bliss
fluted by fond memory
and a strange provincial holiness

Monday, December 14, 2009


Evening at the chateau.
MC Hamster sat up in the palm of my hand and stared at me intently.
I stared back.
"How much do you see little hamster?" I wondered. "I've read that hamsters can't see much at all. Yet you seem to be looking right at me."
Her expression remained calm.
I had a sudden overwhelming sense of the dignity of creatures.
"Why did God make you little hamster?" I continued. "What did he intend? What gifts did he give you? What senses did he give you? He gave dogs lots of senses. What did he give to hamsters?"
"He gave us good looks," replied Hammy smoothly.
At my feet Paddy Pup stirred in deep contentment.
He expressed no interest in the hamster.
If I didn't know him better, I'd say he'd given up all aspirations towards eating her.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

from meki orphanage in ethiopia

Matewos shares a smile of pure joy.

sex and religion

Coffee with the Perfect Fit in the Costa Cafe on Dawson Street.
Around us the room cacaphones with life.
The Perfect Fit fixes me with a Spanish stare.
"James," she says seriously, "you are not to mention God today."
The noble Heelers is mildly taken aback.
"You're the second person who said that to me this week," I tell her.
The Perfect Fit is keen to know who the other was.
"It was Sexy Miss Russia," I explain.
The Perfect Fit expresses approval for Sexy Miss Russia's censorious conversational superludities.
I feel further elaboration on the Heelers position is necessary.
"Listen," I say. "When I talk to you about God and when I talk to Sexy Miss Russia about God, that's two completely different things."
"Why?" demands the Spanish lady.
My handsome preraphaelite features break into a cheesy grin.
"Because when I talk to you about God I'm really trying to convert you," expostulates me. "But when I talk to Sexy Miss Russia about God, it's just because I'm scared of her."

a scientists prayer

bright the sky
the god of miracles
and molecules
sits on his throne to night
that the humble
and the mighty
may rejoice

murder by newspaper

My old English teacher Father Donaldson stepped off a boat into the Atlantic ocean.
I wonder why.
I wonder did the Independent Newspapers pogrom against the Catholic church cause him to do it.
A priest up on Thomas street stepped out of a bell tower.
I wonder why.
I wonder did the Independent Newspapers pogrom against the Catholic church cause him to do it.
There have been others.
Ah yes.
This thing comes with a body count.
You all realise that.
They're killing people now.
Hey Independent Newspapers.
You're the world's first newspaper group to empower itself with the right to dispense the death penalty.
I weep for you.
Yesterday The Evening Herald, which is part of the Independent Newspapers group, printed a banner headline on its front page reading: CHURCH COVER-UP MURDER REOPENED.
The Evening Herald headline is a grotesque lie.
Nearly as grotesque as the lie printed by Independent Newspapers journalist Ian O'Doherty some months ago when he claimed falsely, maliciously and malignly that the Catholic church was itself a paedophile ring.
Yesterday's lie in the Evening Herald related to the murder of Bernadette Connolly a ten year old girl who disappeared in 1970.
The Evening Herald offered no evidence to substantiate its mendacious and manipulative use of the phrase "church cover up."
The Evening Herald alleged that a priest who is now deceased and a monk were suspects. (There was a monastery near where the girl was abducted. Irish police would naturally have questioned the monks as a matter of course. If the deceased priest was as odd as he's painted, then it would have been natural to pay him particular attention. Where I live, the serial killers Crerar and Murphy, stalked South Kildare for twenty years. During that time, the police questioned half the male population in the region. All were innocent. I wonder does Independent Newspapers consider half the male population of South Kildare are implicated in Crerar and Murphy's killings? Or just the priests who lived in the area?)
The Evening Herald suggested that other monks had changed their stories. (Any of us who've given statements to the police, may remember changing something we've said, on reflection. Outside of Independent Newspapers this is not necessarily regarded as an indication of guilt.)
The Evening Herald suggested that the statements of retired Garda Jarlath Grennan indicate a cover up. No evidence or statement is offered from Jarlath Grennan that relates to the church in any way. Jarlath Grennan is quoted as claiming he was ordered by his superior officers to abandon his surveillance of a footprint and that the footprint was no longer at the scene the following day. Jarlath Grennan's claims as outlined in The Evening Herald relate only to the behaviour of those police superiors whom he is quoted as saying "bungled" the investigation.
The Evening Herald suggested that a monastery's van had been seen in the area of the child's abduction. (All of us who drove through South Kildare when Crerar and Murphy were in their hay day, will be particularly nauseated by The Evening Herald's attempt to ascribe guilt in this way.)
The Evening Herald offered no evidence or justification for its headline phrase "CHURCH COVER UP MURDER REOPENED."
The Evening Herald offered nothing at all beyond a tissue of innuendo.
Let me be clear.
Even if a monk or a priest from the monastery killed the girl, even if this happened, and if it did happen then the truth should be told, even so I tell you The Evening Herald is using the case for its own anti Catholic propaganda.
The Evening Herald has offered no evidence for its assertions.
The Evening Herald headline alleging CHURCH COVER-UP MURDER REOPENED is vile, dishonest, dishonourable, evil and untrue.
The Irish Independent itself featured the Evening Herald story on Saturday.
The Irish Independent was much more circumspect in its attempt to construct an illusion of guilt over the church for the death of Bernadette Connolly.
But it was playing the same game.
Independent Newspapers have been compelled to pay 1.87 million in libel damages for telling the truth about Monica Leech.
Yet Independent Newspapers is permitted to calumniate, slander, libel, trahaise and torture in newsprint, the millions of honourable Christians who built our country.
The law is ceasing to function in Ireland before our very eyes.
Can you hear me Independent Newspapers?
Can you hear me Judge Liberal?
Can you hear me murderers?
You will answer for every drop of innocent blood you've shed.


Footnote: Dateline, November 2013.. Several years after the above article appeared on the Heelers Diaries, cracks began to appear in Independent Newspaper's attempts to imply guilt for the murder of Bernadette Connolly to a priest and order of monks. In 2011 Irish police admitted that they had a new suspect for the murder. Officers travelled to Britain to interview Bob Reynolds, a convicted paedophile whose known previous crimes included rape and attempted murder of children in Ireland and Britain. The Irish cops then forwarded a file to the Department of Public Prosecutions in Ireland, which is a standard procedure here prior to a trial. In 2013, the Department of Public Prosecutions announced that it was not going to proceed with the case, implying that this decision was due to the advanced age of Bob Reynolds, the suspected murderer of Bernadette Connolly. The Department of Public Prosecutions in Ireland is a notoriously corrupt institution. Its previous cover ups included the failure to prosecute satanist Lorcan Bale for his 1973 murder of a little boy called John Horgan, and its continuing failure in tandem with the police, Judiciary and political executive of the Republic of Ireland to take any action against a satanistic Dalkey paedophile ring which murdered Baby Noeleen also in 1973. Needless to say, the emergence of the identity of a non Catholic, non religious, suspect for the murder of Bernadette Connolly has not led to retractions of the previous Independent Newspapers slanders and incitements to hatred, claiming a Church cover up in the case. Nor have the retired police officers who supposedly told Independent Newspapers that they thought a priest killed the girl, seen fit to publically explain themselves. Nor have these police officers been named, unlike the priest and order of monks whom they appear to have wrongly and possibly deliberately, implicated in the murder of Bernadette Connolly. The issue is this. Since police officers were members of the satanistic Dalkey paedophile ring, other police officers may also be engaged in similar activities and might for their own twisted reasons be expected to falsely implicate as many innocent priests and religious people for as many fit up murders as possible. It is therefore imperative that those retired police officers who supposedly sourced the Independent Newspapers frame up of a priest and an order of monks for the murder of Bernadette Connolly, should themselves be identified and made accountable for their unwarranted and untrue statements in this matter. If there are any genuine concerns about the priest or order of monks, ie concerns not related to the bigotries of the investigators and reporters, then these too should be brought into the plain light of day. Otherwise retractions should be issued and compensation should be paid for the reputation so blithely ruined by Independent Newspapers in seeking to stoke up yet another anti Catholic pogrom among the peasantry. Independent Newspapers itself apparently considers this story to be dead and buried. Interestingly enough Independent Newspapers, by now a financially bankrupt nay destitute newspaper group, has pushed forward with a new corporate strategy expressly attempting to portray itself as favourably disposed towards the Catholic Church. This has been done through the hiring on all its titles of journalists who forcefully and publically claim to be Christians. I would also postulate that Independent Newspapers, fearing the growing public awareness of its anti Catholic agendas, has actually engineered a reverse takeover of The Irish Catholic newspaper through the buy out of that title by poor little rich ex monk Gary O'Sullivan, himself now a regular contributor to the Irish Independent. Under Mr O'Sullivan's proprietorship, the Irish Catholic contains woeful saccharine sweet weekly articles by Sarah Carey of the Evening Herald, David Quinn of the Irish Independent, Mary Kenny of the Irish Independent and William Reville of the Irish Times. These articles are without journalistic, intellectual or spiritual merit, and serve no purpose whatsoever other than to allow Mssrs, Carey, Kenny, Quinn, Reville, et al, to market themselves and their anti Catholic employers as Catholics.