The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

our television listings

RTE1
(The Irish national fraudcaster.)
4.25 Murder She Wrote. Jessica opens a sea food restaurant and gives up amateur detective work for a week. The criminal classes in Cabot Cove run riot and the murder rate goes through the roof. Jessica's restaurant earns a Michelin Star but the police are unhappy because for once they have to solve all the crimes themselves.
5.20 The Bill. Miffley is thrown out of a squad car by Batesy for a joke. Sun Hill is forced to collaborate with cockney coppers from The Sweeney who insist on raiding suspects when the toe rags are in bed with their girl friends who normally sit up in a highly alarmed fashion as the cops burst through their door, screaming "eeeek" and exposing bare breasts to an enthralled nation of Irish teenagers who used to watch The Sweeney in the 1970's for precisely this reason. Corrrr blimey.
5.45 Nuacht. Read by Dilin O'Damhas.
6.00 The Angelus. RTE's sop for believing Christians.
6.01 News. Performed by the Fembo Commie Pinko singers.
7.00 A Little Bit Showband. I have a horrible feeling this programme will be about showbands.
7.30 Eastenders. Pornographic yawn fest from Britain.
8.00 Fair City. Everyone in the cast is on cocaine. At least the characters they portray are. It's such a privilege to finance this debauching drivel through a compulsory licence fee.
8.30 How Long Will You Live? Nobody cares what this is.
9.00 News. Late evening performance by the Fembo Commie Pinkos.
9.35 Charity Lords Of The Ring. A programme about blah, blah, blah.
10.40 Luke. RTE homage to some dead person that RTE hold in high regard. Bet he wasn't a Christian.
12.00 Boston Legal. Lawyer fetish for brain dead pseuds.
12.55 News. After midnight but the Fembo Commie Pinkos are still on the job and I'm still paying em.
1.00 Sex And The Single Mom. Home videos from RTE employees. No, actually this purports to be a feature film directed by the legendary Don McBrearty and starring the scintillating Gail O'Grady. If you're crazy enough to watch it you'll see what I mean by the home video tag.
2.40 Telly Bingo. The most intellectual programme on RTE.

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