The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, December 27, 2008


Hey Doc. Just checking in. The Israelis have moved fairly decisively on Gaza. Sky News and CNN are already whining about civilian casualities. Have you noticed that the only time Sky and CNN care about civilians is when a western democracy hits back against terrorists? The Iranians who control Gaza through Hamas are already calling for retaliation. Some of the Arab countries may be tempted to try a 1967 again. If they do try another Arab Muslim gang bang against the State of Israel, I'd say there's a high probability the Israelis won't seek to work military miracles with the Israeli army and air force as they did in 1967. If the Arabs attack again in typically heroic Arab fashion, that is to say all at once, I think Israel will detonate nuclear weapons on four fronts. And maybe further afield. If Israel nukes Syria, Lebanon, Jordan and Iran, it's unlikely to leave Colonel Gadaffi relaxing in his armchair in Libya. That could mean the end of the world if Russia or China get involved. This is a dangerous day. Anyhoo. Hope all is well. See you when I see you.

Friday, December 26, 2008

quotes of the day

"Sure this old thing has been lying around your room for the past year."
The Mammy, unwrapping the book Dibs In Search Of Self, and instantly rumbling my passing-off-old-books-as-new-presents routine.

"Oh God no. They're singing Mathis's Messiah."
The noble Heelers enters Kilcullen church for midnight mass and reacts badly to the choir's infernal tootling rendition of A Child Is Born.

"Uncle James will you read The Lion The Witch And The Wardrobe to me?"
My niece Erin, aged 2.

"Don't go publishing my photo in the Leinster Leader or anywhere else."
Father Gerry Foley, who dropped by in the afternoon for a visit prior to his return to the missions in Kenya.

"I think I can honestly promise I will never publish any picture of you in the Leinster Leader ever again."
Ireland's greatest living poet dissimulating.

"The Lion The Witch And The Wardrobe. Let's read it now."

"When is Jackie coming with the good presents?"
My brother Father Peter speaks the truth.

"There is no longer any excuse for giving me a woolly jumper at Christmas. Let alone five of them."
Heelers, speech to the city and to the world.

"Please Uncle James. Lion Witch Wardrobe."

"Read it again."

"I never bother with your political articles. Or the ones about the Johnston Press."
Cousin Frances.

"Fran that doesn't leave much."
Ireland's greatest living poet doing the false modesty routine.

"James, sara bello bellissimo travolgente, lasciarsi vivere totalmente dolce dolcissimo... scoveniente coi bei peccati succede sempre. Buon Natale Irish Boy."
Bianca in Naples.

"Bianca, I think I just died and went to heaven."
Heelers weak at the knees.

"Uncle James, read it again..."


The Dad, The Mammy and Father Gerry Foley in the kitchen at the Chateau De Healy on Christmas Day with an unidentified sheepdog.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

the last minute rush

Staggered out of bed around midday on Christmas Eve.
Things to do. People to see.
How should I put this.
No presents bought for the immediate family.
Or for anyone else.
I've a few books in stock I might be able to pass off on the brothers.
But that's it.
As far as leaving things until the last minute goes, this is a new world record.
"Well God," I murmured as I wandered up the hall. "Time for a Christmas miracle."
Found the Mammy in the kitchen, coughing and sneezing.
She is not a patient patient.
"Wipe that scared look off your face," she barked between coughs.
I had been trying to look concerned gentle readers.
It's a part of my good son routine.
Go figure.
While I put on the kettle, the Mammy pushed two newish looking purses across the table.
"Take those," she said. "I got them as presents last night. You can give them to some of your friends. I don't want them. I have enough purses."
What an odd bit of luck bold readers.
I was due to meet two Spanishies for coffee in the afternoon. Plus a Korean.
At least I'd have pressies for the Spanishies.
Quick cup of tea with the coughing Mammy.
Enter the Dad.
"Take this," he said proffering a book token for fifty quid. "I probably won't get a chance to use it."
Once more thanking my lucky stars, I bid the parents adieu and set out on the road of life.
Quick coffee with Cristina and Saray.
One purse for each.
They almost believe I'm a warm considerate caring human being.
Ah, come into my parlour my pretties.
Adieu Spanishies.
Quick skite to Kilcullen post office to send off two parcels, five letters, and twenty three cards.
The post mistress asked did I want to pay 50 pence extra for the two parcels to ensure they wouldn't go astray.
I said: "Nah. Those are for Sister Lelia and Sister Gemma in the convent. I reckon God will keep an eye on them."
On the street I meet Lin Thok from the local Chinese restaurant who presents me with a traditional wooden oriental wall calendar.
Moments later I rendezvous with Young Ran, the Korean for a yet another coffee on the run.
Of course I gift her with a traditional oriental wall calendar.
She is suitably grateful.
I'm starting to get good at this.
Then I drive to the town of Naas to purchase tomes for various family members, courtesy of the Dad's book token.
I toy with the idea of buying my brother Peter a Koran.
Pete is a priest.
The Koran costs 35 Euro.
The joke of giving him a Koran merely to see the look on his face, is just not worth that amount of money.
And with my budget I can't afford the indulgence.
I buy an armful of cheaper books.
That's most of the family taken care of.
At least they'll get something.
But what to get the parents.
It's 4 in the evening.
Everywhere is closing down.
I meet the artist Josephine Hardiman for coffee.
My last rendezvous of the day.
She presents me with a painting.
I kid you not.
So that's the parents taken care of.
I'm back home as darkness rolls in.
Truly I've been blessed.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

strange visitors

come with me
to the darkest most beautiful night
that the world has ever seen
and ever might
we can sit on the straw
we'll get warm from it
and watch the stillness draw
a cloak of peace
through a time of war
lambs are calling in the fields
that this night is forever
and forever yields
to this night
we are there
hid in the warmth
with things that are old
and things that are rare
look look my friend
and myrrh

christmas eve in ireland

An ancient stillness fills the house.
The ghosts of Grandad and Aunty Philo and my brother John are whispering on the stair.
A festooned Christmas tree glimmers in the hall.
The Dad drowses in an armchair.
Paddy Pup surreptitiously noses something on the kitchen table.
MC Hamster stands stock still in the centre of her cage.
The Mammy is wrapping presents in her room.
Outside the wind has died down and the garden is quiet.
Briefly Ireland's greatest living poet lays side his vexations and turns off the television to savour the moment.
The universe itself draws breath.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

tis the season to be jolly

Monday, December 22, 2008

the first christmas present

The package sat on the kitchen table.
Addressed to James Healy.
British first class stamps.
No postage or date mark.
The handwriting of the name and address disguised.
That is to say the letters capitalised, with each letter a different size, and the curves of the lettering squared off.
Around the kitchen table sat the Mammy, the Dad, Doctor Barn and me.
"Do you think it could be from Al Qaeda?" I ventured.
There was a general rolling of eyes.
My family still haven't forgiven me for the moderate inconvenience of an Al Qaeda attack on our house some years ago when I was writing for the Leinster Leader newspaper.
I had written a light hearted gently satirical piece about Saddam Hussein.
Then a large package arrived at the house. Twice the size of the present one.
I'd phoned Gill and Macmillan, the publishers who sometimes sent me books to review.
Gill and Macmillan swore to me there no parcels of books due to arrive at my house.
I called the cops.
Told em I'd written something about Al Qaeda and that a suspicious parcel had landed on my doorstep.
Two squad cars roared up to the house.
I remember the look of the large reinforced metal container the cops brought with them for controlled explosions.
It was like a bell.
They propped it unused against the wall of the house.
Garda Kadorsky, a thuggish fellow with a bad reputation in the area, took my parcel onto the lawn and began to hack at it with a knife.
I remember addressing his partner Garda Boobenstein somewhat sheepishly.
"He doesn't look very frightened," I'd said.
"No," replied Garda Boobenstein drily.
(Garda Boobenstein is not her real name. It is a name Heelers gave her in honour of her great steins. Arf, arf. A little stein humour there. - Ed note.)
Garda Kadorsky had knocked a hole in the side of the box.
Nothing exploded.
A little note fluttered from the package onto the grass.
It read: "With the compliments of Gill and Macmillan."
I'm telling you folks.
If I ever get those bast--ds down...
The police drove away.
I'd gone back into the house.
My cousin Jamie Berney entered.
"You won't believe what I've just seen," he told us. "Two squad cars packed with police on the avenue and every one of them laughing their holes off. Kadorsky was driving and he looked like he was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard."
Ah memories.
Back to the present day.
Another day, another letter bomb, as we do say in the trade.
"Do you feel like calling the cops again?" wondered Doctor Barn drolly.
I did not deign to reply.
In a single motion I tore open the parcel.
And lo!
Twas a book.
Not just any book.
The book was...
Life Is Local, A History Of The Johnston Press; By Edward Reilly; Published 2006, by The Johnston Press.
Understand this gentle travellers of the internet.
By giving you details of the title, author and publication date of this book, I am positively NOT encouraging you to buy it!
The family gathered round.
There was a small unsigned enclosure that read simply "Seasons Greetings."
We peered closely.
Aside from the disguised letters on the outer envelope, no handwriting at all.
"Who do you think sent it?" said the Mammy.
"Well it has to be someone in the Johnston Press," sez I.
"A friend?" mused the Dad.
"I don't think I have any friends in the Johnston Press," sez I.
"Maybe a disgruntled member of staff wants to give you ammunition," postulated Doctor Barn, doctorbarningly.
I paused.
"It's more likely to be a two fingered salute," sez I.
We stared at the book for a few more moments.
"Hey," said I finally. "What if it's really from Al Qaeda and they've coated the pages in anthrax? You know. The perfect crime. Make it look like the other guys did it."
There were general groanings from my nearest and dearest.
I found myself alone in the kitchen.
After a brief moment of indecision, I seized Life Is Local carried it outside, and dumped it where it belonged in the bin.
Much later tonight I found my eighty year old mother on the doorstep rummaging in the same bin.
"Has it come to this Mother?" I said softly.
"I want to read it," quoth she.
And there our story ends.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

conclusions of the heelers enquiry into the death of jean charles de menezes

1. On 7th July 2005, Muslim Al Qaeda terrorists murdered fifty people by blowing up trains and buses in London in suicide attacks.

2. Two weeks later, on 21st July 2005, a second wave of Muslim Al Qaeda terrorists struck London. Bombs wielded by the four Muslim Al Qaeda terrorists in the second wave, failed to detonate properly. They did not succeed in murdering anyone and went on the run around London.

3. On 22nd July 2005, a day after the second wave of attempted Muslim Al Qaeda attacks on London, a Brazilian national named Jean Charles de Menezes was shot dead on an underground train in London by British security forces.

4. Jean Charles de Menezes was high on Cocaine when he was shot.

5. Before the Muslim Al Qaeda terror onslaught against London in July 2005, Jean Charles de Menezes had written an email to members of his family containing some curiously allusive language. Specifically, he had stated that it was important when in the UK to be careful not to be caught "in the wrong place at the wrong time."

6. Jean Charles de Menezes had a forged visa stamp on his passport granting him limitless time in the United Kingdom.

7. The sophistication of the false visa stamp on Jean Charles de Menezes passport means in my view that it was not acquired through any channel accessible to ordinary Brazilians. The false stamp was obtained either through a high powered criminal organisation such as the Brazilian drugs gang Mara Salvatrucha 13, known as MS-13, or through a terrorist organisation such as Al Qaeda.

8. Lawyers and activists, who claim to be working on behalf of the family of Jean Charles de Menezes, have contrived a legalistic manouevre justifying Jean Charles de Menezes' presence in Britain on 22nd July 2005. The lawyers claim that Jean Charles de Menezes had entered Britain from Ireland on 23rd April 2005. The lawyers claim that Jean Charles de Menezes had entered Ireland from France. The lawyers claim that anyone entering Britain from Ireland has an automatic entitlement to remain in Britain for three months. The lawyers claim that on 22nd July 2005 the date Jean Charles de Menezes was shot by British security forces, he was still barely within the three month period for which they claim anyone entering Britain from Ireland must be allowed to remain. I believe this is a legalistic obfuscation of Jean Charles de Menezes' residency status in the United Kingdom. He is known to have been in Britain shortly after Nine Eleven, certainly in 2002 and 2003. He is known to have been given permission to stay for a few months. He then remains off the map until the 22nd July 2005 when he is found to be still living in Britain, carrying a falsified passport, taking Cocaine, and resident at an address shared by Muslim Al Qaeda terrorists. His supposed travel around the European area from France via Ireland to Britain (if it occurred at all and hasn't been engineered through further passport visa stamp forgeries), bears hallmarks of what is a standard procedure for criminals and/or terrorists seeking to gain legitimate residency status in any European country.

9. The high powered Brazilian crime gang Mara Salvatrucha (MS-13) has known links with Al Qaeda. Al Qaeda has used MS-13 to smuggle terrorists into the United States.

10. Jean Charles de Menezes lived in accomodation used by several of the Muslim Al Qaeda terrorists involved in the attacks against London in July 2005. The building he shared with Muslim Al Qaeda terrorists is described as a three storey block of flats. The living section contained nine flats, and just one communal entrance. Two of his relatives living in the same building claim Jean Charles de Menezes lived with them. I do not accept the suggestion that it was pure chance that Jean Charles de Menezes lived in close proximity with Al Qaeda terrorists, that it was pure bad luck he possessed a faked passport, that it was pure human frailty that he took cocaine, and that it was pure coincidence that he wrote emails before terrorist attacks on London advising his family that it was necessary to be careful where you walked in this country.

11. In the aftermath of the death of Jean Charles de Menezes, members of the family of Jean Charles de Menezes have permitted themselves to be photographed with supporters of the Muslim terror group Al Qaeda. This association between the family and Al Qaeda is not acceptable under any circumstances and severely limits the sympathy one might feel for any family that has lost a son in these circumstances. If claims by the de Menezes family are true that Jean Charles de Menezes had no association with Al Qaeda, then the de Menezes family's willingness to be photographed with Al Qaeda activists is impossible to accept. We might liken it to a notional case where the family of someone killed in a friendly fire incident during World War Two goes along and allows itself to be photographed with members of the SS newly returned from their massacres of civilians in Russia. It never happened during World War Two. It shouldn't be happening now. Of course if the de Menezes family's claims about Jean Charles de Menezes are untrue, as I believe they are, then the family shouldn't be getting a hearing at all. Let alone sympathy.

12. Members of the family of Jean Charles de Menezes have been associating with an Islamist called Asad Rahman. Asad Rahman is best known as an adviser to George Galloway, a British parliamentarian who currently presents a programme for the English language television service of the Islamic Republic of Iran. Mr Galloway's previous claim to fame came with his strident lobbying on behalf of Saddam Hussein's murder regime in Iraq. My analysis is that Mr Galloway is the most outrageous of traitors hiding in plain sight in the House of Commons. The association between the family of Jean Charles de Menezes and Asad Rahman is in my view further evidence that the family of Jean Charles de Menezes is not what it pretends to be.

13. In July of 2005, Al Qaeda was seeking to create panic in London. On 7th July 2005, Al Qaeda Muslim terrorists had murdered fifty people in the streets. On 21st July 2005, Al Qaeda Muslim terrorists had attempted to commit four more suicide bombings. At the same time, there was a proliferation of incidents around London, where men of Middle Eastern appearance sprinted onto buses, began shouting on trains, or otherwise attempted to fighten ordinary Londoners going about their daily lives. These were teaser missions. There were no explosives. The intention was to frighten. Similar behaviour on aeroplanes is intended to test security procedures. Al Qaeda is still working towards a new and apocalyptic Nine Eleven. I believe that Al Qaeda members in Britain on 22nd of July 2005 were trying to spread further panic by this behaviour. I believe that when all the data about Jean Charles de Menezes is considered, (his Al Qaeda flatmates, his email to his family, his cocaine use, his falsified passport, his family's ongoing Al Qaeda associations) there is a significant probability Jean Charles de Menezes was involved in panic sowing activities for Al Qaeda in the aftermath of the terrorist bombing attacks against London on 7th July 2005 and 21st July 2005.

14. It is a known practice for Al Qaeda agents and operatives to take cocaine and/or heroin before a mission to bolster their courage.

15. Media groups such as CNN, Sky News, the BBC, Channel Four, NBC, CBS, ABC, and their ilk, have devoted enormous amounts of coverage to the death of Jean Charles de Menezes. In the print media, the Guardian, The Times, The Washington Post, the New York Times, and even the sadly provincial Irish Times, have done likewise. Their coverage has been weighted against the British security forces and towards the agenda of the family of Jean Charles de Menezes. This Pro Jean Charles de Menezes coverage has vastly exceeded the amount of broadcast time and newsprint devoted to the fifty indisputably innocent Londoners blown to pieces in the Muslim Al Qaeda terror attack which preceded the death of Jean Charles de Menezes by fourteen days. I believe profoundly that the media groups I have named are giving succour to the Jihadi's and making ever more inevitable the next Al Qaeda terror strike against the Free World.